Stupid People Wednesday: Part Duex

So usually this is E's thing. 
But I just need to share this.  

Stupid People Wednesday Part Duex: OR: How Paramount Pictures is ruining our childhood. 

When I was a scrubby kid growing up in Manila (Philippines), dirty feet, mango juice fingers, and perpetually frizzy hair - there was this ritual.  We had a myriad of entertainment that I now appreciate even more (Japanese game shows, anime, western cartoons, Filipino reboots) and that included plenty of Saturday morning cartoons.  

But Fridays were important.  They were important because sometimes Mom and Dad would consent to let us run down the street to the sari-sari store and pick up some pop (we're from the Midwest, after all) and we'd order from Pizza Hut.  (On other weeks it was homemade pizza with Filipino cheese... which was less exciting.  Velveeta was a hard block in my childhood.) 

Incidentally my brother hated pizza as a child.  Eventually, he grew out of it.  We were worried for a while.  

After the consumption of much amazingness in the form of oozy cheese, we would spend quality time with Five guys who became very important to the development of my brother and I.  

These guys: 

And their Sensei.

I got my first busted nose courtsey of a Donatello lobbed at speed across a hallway by an aggravated brother. 

Though they be small, they are mighty. 

Said brother may have (I can't confirm) gotten his inspiration for MMA by pummelling me soundly during commerical breaks and after the show was over in his zeal to "learn all the moves."  
I had a surefire bet that my Christmas and Birthday additions to his collection would be well-received.  
I even got the appeal of an '80's yellow jumpsuit.  

I never really got into the live-action movies - we somehow missed out on that traveling back and forth between the States and the Philippines.  But a few years ago they brought The Turtles back.  E and I were worried.  Would they screw them up?  We were pleasantly surprised with the result of the CGI (Including the awesome fight sequence in the rain.)  

(Not the best youtube, but you get the idea)

But this.  

Yeah.  I can't do this.  

I'm a makeup artist and I'm all for using prosthetics and giving makeup artists jobs. 
But this has officially taken my childhood memories, stomped on them with the big foot of "dumb ideas that studio execs come up with while having no connection to the source material cause they want to make money"  and just yeah.  

If I have to watch horrifying trailers or that dumb Pizza Hut commercial (Double betrayal!  Next thing you know, they'll try to reboot the Book-It! reading program in some horrifying fashion involving Amazon Fire Tablets!) one more time, I might have to take my nun-chucks to the TV.  Which would be a real shame, as I'm visiting my parents and they just upgraded to a nice new shiny Tv where all the buttons work and you can get a clear picture. 

It's just - why couldn't they set it in the '80's?  Origin story of April, sure - but Megan Fox- really?  They don't look like Turtles.  And they're EMO.  Guys.  Not everything has to be super serious and dark now.  It worked for Batman.  Because- you know, Gotham and Batman and tragic backstory.  

This is a Saturday morning cartoon.  About Teenage.  Mutant.  Ninja. Turtles.  Trained by a Ninja Rat.  Fighting Crime.  Eating Pizza.  Skateboarding the sewers of New York.  In the 1980's.  

Thanks a lot, movie people.  First Inspector Gadget, then Transformers (3) and now this.  What's next?  Samurai Pizza Cats?