Villainous Matchmaking: A Service for Animated Women

No, not horrible matching of people (although that still might be true by the end of this post.) It occurred to us that some of the lady villains of animation might be a little happier if only we could find the right man for each of them. Not any less evil, as that might make the plots a little dull. Just happier in their evil.  

You know how we love lists here at TS. Or maybe you don't. Well, we do. 

Just like good old Yentil from Fiddler on the Roof, someobody's gotta get these poor unfortunate souls together.  Let's just hope that these hypothetical couples have better luck than poor Tzeitel and Lazar Wolfe.  

Disclaimer: The following matches are pretty much all facetious and are not intended to be taken as serious shipping. Nor are we at Tamari Surprise saying that you need a man to be happy.

  Uchiha Madara (Naruto) and Yzma (Emperor's New Groove)

"It's complicated." 

 They're both out for world domination (eventually) and revenge (as a general rule)  their single-minded determination means they'll definitely have things to talk about, although we foresee some long-term problems in their relationship goals.  Namely, we don't think they'll want to share a throne, figuratively or literally.  On the plus side, Yzma brings some much needed practicality to Madara's rather complex revenge plan (so complex, everyone who he wanted to punish has keeled over, probably from old age.)  

Suggested Dates: Playing with the pets (her crocodiles, his zombie army). Tour of the Amazon, flies optional.  Dinner at Magda's Meat Hut: Home of the Mug of Meat.

 

 

 

I don't know much about Madara other than this exchange with E: 

 E: He looks like a pretty good match for Yzma.  

I sent you a pin.  This is before he finally died and ... got younger and ... got reincarnated ... and ... it's complicated.) 

S'ra: so their relationship would definitely go under that listing

E: Not to mention, their revenge plots are so complex (initially) ...

now I'm picturing madara explaining to Yzma his hugely complex revenge plot and her saying, "Or, to save on time, you simply poison him with this!"

S'ra: Uh HUH.  How would that go over?

E: hmm ...since he ultimately wants to control the whole world, it wouldn't really work

but it would be a start

S'ra: most villains are destined for breakups anyways

E: well, he gets younger after he gets zombiefied so maybe he'd ditch her then and look for a younger, cuter zombiefied ninja chick

S'ra: Maybe that chick on mortal combat?

Perhaps they should have gotten together as young'uns?

The Emperor (Star Wars) and Azula (Avatar: The Last Airbender)

Now, we realize this is a bit of an extreme May/December romance but look at all these two have in common! Plans for the ultimate domination of everything, unhinged laughter, shooting lightning bolts from their hands ... really, aside from age, what don't they have in common? Imagine all the fun they could have, zapping people and cackling. 

Suggested Dates: Laser tag with the stormtroopers (guaranteed to win). Lying and betraying for fun and profit. Playing with Van de Graaff generators.

                    

Plus, imagine this conversation:

Vader: NO, MY LORD.

Emperor: But the dark side is strong with this one!

Vader: SHE IS YOUNG ENOUGH TO BE YOUR GRANDDAUGHTER.

Emperor: Age doesn't matter!

Vader: I DO NOT BELIEVE YOU HAVE THOUGHT THIS THROUGH.

Emperor: But I'm loooonely!

Vader: ...

Vader: ....

Vader: I HEAR THAT YZMA IS LOOKING FOR SOMEONE. I COULD GIVE KRONK A CALL.

Emperor: Lord Vader, I do not want to ... wait, why do you have Kronk's number?

Vader: YOU KNOW THOSE SPINACH PUFFS YOU LIKE SO MUCH? THEY'RE SO EASY. HE GAVE ME THE RECIPE.

Shou Tucker (Fullmetal Alchemist) and Medusa (Soul Eater)

Think about it. Two of the sickest and most twisted characters in fiction, together at last. Some villains you love to hate. Others ... well, you just hate 'em. These two fall into the latter category. Both are single parents who perform sick-minded experiments on their children. Medusa adds physical and mental torture to the list, while Shou Tucker brings the sheer creepiness. 

Suggested Dates: Getting run over by a bus. Falling off a cliff. Being eaten by sharks ... oh wait, that's just what I think should happen to them. 

I do have a requirement for this scenario, however - while Shou and Medusa are out on their first date, SOMEBODY with a trans-dimensional time machine (coughtheDoctorcough) shows up and takes Nina, Alexander and Crona to a really nice world where nothing seriously bad ever happens, where they will be adopted by a loving and understanding family. Maybe Wally and the Beaver or Curious George could use some new siblings and a dog.  

Sauron (The Lord of the Rings) and Delphine (Last Exile)

She's an evil space elf, he's a ... well, giant eyeball, these days, but close enough. He wants to rule all of Middle Earth with a ruthless hand, she just wants to have fun torturing people in drawn out and original ways. Delphine could bring a personal touch to Sauron's otherwise fairly hands-off plot (hands off. .. he's a giant eyeball .. see what I did there?). Sauron could use his army to help quell those irritating, freedom-fighting peasants who aren't playing by Delphine's rules. The physical side of the relationship could prove to be a challenge, but we'll leave that to them.

Suggested Dates: Star gazing (cause, he's a giant eyeball, right?). Altering ecosystems. Chess. 

There is one small problem - Dephine hates things that are ugly, so the uruk-hai are going to have to get a makeover. 

after              before

  Hmm ...  nope, still needs some flowers and glitter. Maybe a hair bow.

Lex Luthor (Superman) and Cruella DeVille (101 Dalmations)

Okay, we realize, it may seem like an odd pairing. And good ol' Lex has had a vast number of incarnations over the years, so you can take your pick in the version. But think about it. Both are obsessive and focused. Lex could certainly finance Cruella's fur habit (and probably won't have a major problem with the kidnapping and murder of puppies), and while Cruella might have her issues she could swank around and schmooze at society events with the best of them. The only question here, really, is if either of them could take time off from their obsessive interests for dating.

Suggested Dates: Large game hunting. Attending press conferences. Volunteering for the humane society ... okay, maybe not. 

Plus, picture this scenario:

Lex:  Ha ha, at last I have you in my power, Superman!

Superman: No ... not ... kryptonite!

(Cruella enters.)

Cruella: Lex, dahling, I can't find the keys to the Rolls. 

Lex: Kind of busy here, sweetie ...

Cruella: Won't be a moment. Ah, there they are. Ta ta, dahlings. Carry on.

Superman: So ... that's your girlfriend?

Lex: Shut up.

Superman: No, she seems charming. 

Lex: Thank you. Where were we? 

Superman: No ... not ... kryptonite!

Lex: Oh yes. Thanks. Ha, you have fallen into my trap!

Elmer Fudd (Looney Toons) 
and 

The Witch of the Waste (Howl's Moving Castle)

It's another odd pairing, we know. We thought long and hard about the right match for the Witch of the Waste - movie version only - her character is quite different in the wonderful book by Diana Wynne Jones which you should run out and get right now and read today, followed by all of Diana Wynne Jones's other books. In the movie version, she's actually not a bad old girl. Sure, she curses Sophie, but only because she's jealous. And in the end, she's actually pretty nice, if a little bit loopy. So a typical villain would be all wrong for her. We threw around a few names, but finally settled on Elmer Fudd. After all, he's not precisely a villain and aside from a desperate desire to shoot Bugs Bunny (And I ask you, who hasn't felt that? That rabbit's downright annoying.) he's not a bad guy. So, why not match them up? The worst that could happen is that it won't work out.

Suggested Dates: Bird watching. Antique gun show. Sitting around a nice fire ... fire demon optional.

The Claw (Inspector Gadget) and Lady Tremaine (Cinderella)

Look at these two pictures. Enough said, don't you think? They obviously have very similar taste in jewelry, they're both cat lovers, they both enjoy plotting ... although ... the more I look at these pictures ... I have solved the identity of The Claw! Inspector Gadget's arch-nemesis is, in fact, Lady Tremaine! They are one and the same person! I am a genius! Why has no one ever seen this before? That said, this is going to make dating somewhat difficult ...

We were also going to include Lust from Fullmetal Alchemist on this list, but it occurred to us that while she is theoretically the personification of Lust, she really is more like the personification of that which is lusted after. And she really doesn't seem like a woman who needs or wants a man in her life, except to use and lose at her convenience.

Also, if anyone has any ideas for a perfect pairing for Dr. Horrible ... let us know. None of the animated ladies on our list seemed quite right.