How to Cook a Chicken

How to cook a Chicken (for Beginners):

         Despite the obvious knowledge that chickens are Verboten! (Whether that be for consumption or just in general, we aren’t so sure…) it seems to be a popular dish.  The first step is to get the chicken ready to put on the plate.

From "Many Waters" by Madeline L'Engle 

Step 1. Buy a brood of fluffy adorable chicks, name them with corresponding and matching names, such as five-year-old S'ra's brilliant contribution towards the family meat of, “Renny, Henny, Zenny, Lenny, Kenny, Benny, Penny, and Rahab the Harlot.”  Nurture them as you would your favorite puppy.  Or guppy, depending on who you are.  

Not my chickens.  But still, kinda adorable. 

Step 2: Find yourself unable and bewildered about how to then butcher your grown pets.       

Step 3: Buy a free-range, organic, hormone free frozen chicken at the store.  Feel proud of yourself for making an expensive, but healthy meat choice.  

 

You know, organic.  

Step 4: Resolve that tonight you’re going to learn how to roast the chicken, start defrosting it approximately 1 hour before dinner.

Step 5: Realize that your chicken is still rock solid ice and could possibly be used as a ballistic missile.  Return to the freezer and eat Mac n’ cheese. 

Step 6:  One Week later, repeat Step 5, except this time, let the chicken sit in the fridge while you eat the accompanying side dishes you prepared, determined that tomorrow, for sure you will cook that darn chicken.

Step 7: Attempt to make a complicated dish of unpronounceable French name that involves completely de-boning the chicken while leaving the general body shape intact.  After two hours better relegated to a B horror movie involving instruments generally found in the garage, boil chicken for dogs, toss, or make stock, as is applicable. 

Step 8:  Get KFC.

P.S. S'ra and E actually DO know how to cook chickens.  Perhaps someday we may even prove it.